if only i could reach here...

Independence to do what you feel you should do is the most relieving thing in this world. without pretending anything. without being someone else. without fear. you are just leading your life. naturally and like the flow of a river.

knowing yourself. just self. everything comes natural. then you accept yourself. you never pretend to be something which you are not. i sometimes go through some people's lifestyle (http://sulochanosho.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/parveen_conf.pdf. just an example) and understand that how desperately i wanted to lead my own life (obviously its someones else's life that i am leading by ignoring myself. ignoring in so many ways that i don't dare to define. perhaps the easiest thing was to compromise. and i did that).

i feel i never wanted anything out of life. i do not want anything in terms of material. i just wanted to be what life is at its pace. doing what i liked. no competitions. nothing to loose and nothing to gain. at least i would have enjoyed what i did, and thus enjoying life. never pretending to be anything, say for example, talented, intelligent etc. i am what i am and i don't know these words. i am nothing, a accept. and i am not aspiring anything. just nothing. i am not expecting anything. say for example: money, love etc.

i just want to be myself doing what ever i like. no matter how much i earn.

but i can't see people around me disturbed. they want me to reach somewhere. want me to see a happily married person with a decent job.

i dont know where ll i reach in my life. but given my independence, which only god knows when ll it come to me, i ll lead a life of my own.

i dont know when ll i be able to define myself, to undestand myself and come out of the forced responsibilities. but one thing is certain and that is, when ever i come out of it, my life will be based on things, i am writing today. but do responsibilities end? i am doubtful. but i want my independence. independence to quit my job which i can never enjoy, because of the initial mentality while taking the job(i cannot do it now). independence to accept my self as i am. independence to feel natural(neither proud nor low). independence to experiment and face consequences with no one to curse and get affected.

perhaps i want to lead my life spiritually, the thing which i felt when i was distressed due to some reasons and found it the most satisfying,soothing, natural and perhaps the only true feeling on earth.

i want to accept myself. and just be what really i am.