SELF

Change, Its inevitable... No?

2010-08-16T00:25:00.005+05:30

Times change, and it changes everything whatever took it as one of its dimension. Love fades for one and renews with different its new object. Relationships change. Thoughts change. And as rest of a human environment change, he also changes. There is some sort of feedback process going on in there.
But the worst part of everything is that its always unexpected. Say, when a man is on high in a love relation, he never expects it to change. And eventually,when it changes, It pains. Suffocates, chokes like anything. Then your greatest desire is to talk to that person and undo everything which caused the hiatus. None of your friends seem to help you exactly. And you suffer, until you realise with all your conciousness, that you should move on and should forgive the person who caused you to choke out of emotion.
Every relationship takes birth and dies with time as one of its dimensions. Time never spares anything. It eventually changes everything. Friendship wears out, love between a husband and wife takes toll. Beauty of even miss universe takes a dip. And eventually, however beautiful, everything meets the same life cycle.
Accepting this thing helps, in a way that you get less hurt when things are out of your control. Keep your expectations low (you will be happier) and be ready to accept the changes, if any. If sth good has come, enjoy. But remain unattached because bad is inevitable.
I might seem pessimistic, but it helps someone somewhere. :)

2010-08-06T00:47:00.003+05:30

We sometimes do things to prove something. Sometimes to prove character, honesty, to show love, to be considered good, sometimes to prove your care, and list goes on. Sometimes to prove that we belong to a class called cool. Most of the time we want to prove something which we are not.
Everyone needs some sort of acceptance. He wants to be praised. Sometimes people start taking pride in some non sense things as well, as i once saw a person who took pride in eating a lot, someone took pride in being short tempered. Its a kind of pride that inhibits them to leave these habits which even they know is harmful for them.
Show of character is very prevalent in girls and guys even. They feel happy if some one gives them certificate of what they had wanted to prove and then it becomes disastrous. It shows in their character permanently.
Everyone has his own traits.just prove to yourself what you are. Change self if you find better paths. What's show is for??

Poem

2010-01-02T23:42:00.002+05:30

Inspite of everyone, I am with
I am all alone, sad, suffocating,
passion for nothing,
don't know why i was born,
don't know why i did things,
which i did.
Was the bread so imp?
sad about, why I don't have courage,
to ask myself as to why I did,
what I did.
feel as if whole world is empty,
and the worse,
no one can make me feel happy.
because it's not the limited,
which a human desires.
why I hate the word compromise,
so much.
I feel I won't be happy ever in my life.
because no passion runs in my blood,
because I don't have enough courage,
I accept, and so i am, a coward.
I want to breath in free air,
I want those beaches,
where nature manifests its power,
those rolling waves, so powerful,
and yet so quite,
I want to experience the roar,
and vastness of ocean,
in the moon lit mid night,
sitting alone and all alone,
with self and
cool wind blowing at its pace,
and waves touching my toes,
and then receding,
I want that oneness to experience,
the infinite joy which natures assimilates,
to feel that we are all nature,
with the same infiniteness,
still we run after,
I don't know what,
I want that peace,
the free air, coming from the infinite sea
I want a small hut under the sky,
because I want that peace...

if only i could reach here...

2009-10-06T22:05:00.006+05:30

Independence to do what you feel you should do is the most relieving thing in this world. without pretending anything. without being someone else. without fear. you are just leading your life. naturally and like the flow of a river.

knowing yourself. just self. everything comes natural. then you accept yourself. you never pretend to be something which you are not. i sometimes go through some people's lifestyle (http://sulochanosho.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/parveen_conf.pdf. just an example) and understand that how desperately i wanted to lead my own life (obviously its someones else's life that i am leading by ignoring myself. ignoring in so many ways that i don't dare to define. perhaps the easiest thing was to compromise. and i did that).

i feel i never wanted anything out of life. i do not want anything in terms of material. i just wanted to be what life is at its pace. doing what i liked. no competitions. nothing to loose and nothing to gain. at least i would have enjoyed what i did, and thus enjoying life. never pretending to be anything, say for example, talented, intelligent etc. i am what i am and i don't know these words. i am nothing, a accept. and i am not aspiring anything. just nothing. i am not expecting anything. say for example: money, love etc.

i just want to be myself doing what ever i like. no matter how much i earn.

but i can't see people around me disturbed. they want me to reach somewhere. want me to see a happily married person with a decent job.

i dont know where ll i reach in my life. but given my independence, which only god knows when ll it come to me, i ll lead a life of my own.

i dont know when ll i be able to define myself, to undestand myself and come out of the forced responsibilities. but one thing is certain and that is, when ever i come out of it, my life will be based on things, i am writing today. but do responsibilities end? i am doubtful. but i want my independence. independence to quit my job which i can never enjoy, because of the initial mentality while taking the job(i cannot do it now). independence to accept my self as i am. independence to feel natural(neither proud nor low). independence to experiment and face consequences with no one to curse and get affected.

perhaps i want to lead my life spiritually, the thing which i felt when i was distressed due to some reasons and found it the most satisfying,soothing, natural and perhaps the only true feeling on earth.

i want to accept myself. and just be what really i am.

A real tough journey of life...

2009-08-20T19:37:00.002+05:30

It was a power cut and we were just waiting for the lights which were usually restored in 2 minutes. But this time it was a bit long and I casually asked about an old lady, peculiarly named as bua ji and who came to our house with a strange smile and calm on her face. And what my mother narrated shivered me to the bone. Alas, I could do something about it. I will just give you a glimpse of what my mother told me of the lady:
She got married to a well to do family, having three storied house in Patna. But it was late when family came to know that her husband had liver cancer. Money went like anything. And they were in heavy debts in no time. Time passed and nothing could save her husband. He left one day, living her alone with five progeny. The debt took their home and the family was left roofless. One day her father -in-law also departed leaving just her to carry the burden of a big family with no else earning member. Still she held her head up and served the family with full devotion with whatever she could earn. She carried her responsibilities and got her only daughter married. Till this she lived with all these with her own perception of ease, when one day her expecting daughter got seriously ill and after almost 25 days of emergency treatment, she lost all which differentiates a living from dead. She now doesn't remember even the first alphabet of Hindi. Storm never stopped and she lost her most able and understanding son in his twenties. Her eldest daughter in law used to torture her like anything. She works as charwomen in a small privately owned school who pays her 600 monthly. Youngest of his sons is too fragile and weak to work. But still he took great pains to buy a 2nd hand three wheeler rickshaws but it too, was stolen. Her 2nd son developed some severe mental problem and almost 2/3rd of her hard earned money is spent in his medicines. And imagine having 200 for a month for a 5 member family in Patna. She is landless and has to buy her food from market in that extreme mere income. And worse she is old now and her physique doesn't allow her to work as she worked all her life in search of the lowest grade of sustainability.
She lives in a low income group dilapidated housing where any convenience is hard to imagine except that it gives a roof on their head. And that too, since its illegal, government issued notice to all LIG residents to vacate in 1 month. Winters are about to come. It’s hard to imagine as to where will this family migrate to, to save itself from cold.
My purpose to write this blog is that I want some ideas from you people so that we could help that family in some or the other way. I hope you have some. Or, if you could please forward it to some organization, which may be useful in some or the other way. I often see this old lady as she comes to my home to meet my mother for some religious purposes.

The pursuit : where it leads to?

2009-07-25T20:27:00.004+05:30

I have always wondered as to what exactly do we want out of our lives? Is it lots and lots of money, admiration, respect etc. though i believe these are the things really important but not worth dying for. We want to earn best grades academically, perform the best in our professional careers and we put a lot of effort in this direction also. It's worth praise, i agree. A politician puts all efforts in slyness and what he gets out of it is money and ultimately power(i wont offend a few who are really dedicated towards uplifting of masses and they have no doubt given their energy to it). All kinds of people of different professions perhaps never had time and occasion to realize as to what they were living for. we earn money but for what? A few save them so much so that they just have one thing in mind and that is earning and saving them. Their world ends there.
Everything rotates about a center. Even our lives. It moves in a relatively bigger circle and we standing at the circumference don't realize as to what we are circulating about. it needs our quality time in thoughts to find it. sometimes we find it to be money, power or fulfilling one or the other basic and non needs of living . center is the point which we are unconsciously looking for and which brings real happiness in our lives. its the thing which is indispensable.
we suffer from obsession of many kinds and it influences our lives in different ways and taking away the basic purpose. In the pursuit of obsessions, we do not place that importance to thinking about the overall direction the life takes. we fail to look from a greater altitude.

I am reminded of the story which we studied in our class 9 th. "The country of blinds" where people just forgot what the word eye and vision meant.They were just oblivious of it. Our priorities have so changed that we have forgotten what we actually need. Stop and take a breath, you will find you aren't born to just do a 9 to 5 job which gives you bread but not satisfaction. Power which gives you vanity and conceit but no real lasting happiness. what i feel at the end is, though its necessary to work for our livelihood but wait.. it does not eat away your peace and serenity of mind. it doesn't spread cutting your independence. and your worries don't throw aside the meaning of your life.
peacefulness and equanimity is the greatest virtue perhaps..

Whatever you may name it..

2009-07-25T17:53:00.004+05:30

Love is an emotion which everyone nurtures at some point in his life. sentimentality at its peak, so much so that there is hardly any difference between a goddess and her. its such a pious feeling, unless its one of the diversions of love. an amazing feeling which takes away all your attention and everything else in its lap. your whole life is almost guided by this feeling.
but life is based on compromises. some one said it rightly and gave a lot of people this logic of compromise to falsify their emotions and to forget everything which was naturally coming to them.
In every case integrity was the word which was compromised. Integrity is to stand by what you believe in. The word stand by is used only because its hard to listen to your heart in face of difficulties. Listening to your heart means a lot of consequences which people in the normal world cannot endure. its so hard to sustain because we have other desires too to fulfill.
We all may have cried for someone we loved.we loved them so strongly that nothing tangible could limit its boundaries. but sometimes it so happened that the person standing before us didn't comprehend that feeling of love and we were left suffocated. and at that point of time we were left with two ways out. leave the person and find someone else, and for sure the same feeling wont touch us again. or struggle solitary with the self and still love that person. The latter case depends on magnitude of intangible thing you had. you cannot compromise with anyone else on earth.
in my perspective, its difficult to compromise with our own honesty.

What matters in the end?

2009-04-15T21:54:00.000+05:30

i.e. I mean what we’ll be proud of when leaving this world? What we’ll be remembering in the moments of our final departure? I mean a politician like shahabuddin (MP from siwan district in bihar)who is accused of several murders, kidnapping, what’ll he be thinking when he’ll be about to complete his journey on this planet. What’ll he regret when he is left with no power? Will he be proud of power, popularity, and his dominant position in the society? Concerning a student, who took admission in an engineering college just because he would end up having a decent job which would run his future family comfortably. Lets take an example of high grade engineer, an IIT engineer. He supposedly studied hard and qualified IITJEE and while preparing, he got inspiration from the fact that he would be entering a top-notch college of this country and would be gaining a social status and respect and identity at a very young age.
Not deviating away from my point, what is it that we’ll be proud of in the end? Why I am so concerned about the end when it’s just a part of whole life, a stage. Why not the whole life? For explaining this I would take an analogy. For my colleagues, it’s a fact that we retrospect and find big regrets and happiness only at the end. The end after which we can’t rectify and when the golden period is wasted and we have to leave. Regrets leave us in suffocation because we won’t have time to mend our mistakes or a similar situation to fulfill the desires which we had dreamt of in the beginning.
I don’t seem to find the answer to my own question. Though I feel it’s quite genuine. I few things I expect is - LOVE. Because it’s only emotions that were dominant in us and which differentiated us from robots. A tender feeling for someone which you made you cheerful, gave you a sense of acceptance, gave a soothing direction to your thoughts and you always wanted to be with that person, obsessed. Obsession ( junoon).
The word ‘OBSESSION’ perhaps is an answer to my projected question. we’ll remember everything good, in good sense, producing a proud feeling, for which we were obsessed and regret everything bad for which were equally obsessed for. A badminton player will be proud of his game. A singer will proudly remain in peace because of the songs he sung from the core of his heart. A scientist will remain happy because of the theories and deductions he made in the peaceful and enlightening moments of his research, sitting, walking, eating but thinking always. All above will remember their contributions and will be satisfied.
But where do we stand? Who didn’t have any obsession and just led life, compromising often with the situations, to obtain a livelihood. Don’t we need to think? At least I do…
Why we couldn’t understand the importance of word “INTEGRITY”?

Admiration

2009-01-28T01:56:00.002+05:30

Our fall starts when we yearn to hear our admiration. It's actually a fact which can be proved..
When working for the great thing which eventually led to greatness, they worked like hell and they actually enjoyed the quality and got satisfaction of the work well done. But once success is achieved and admiration showers, they automatically forget the actual work and enjoy the the respect and attention they get and thus putting less focus on work.
One of the biggest reasons of fall whether moral,educational or anything is that we find some reasons to justify our wrong doings. And often most prominent among them is- 'what's wrong, the whole world does it'.
I believe nothing wrong can be done if it's not accepted by our mind. First we mentally prepare ourselves to accept those things which we generally don't digest.

our FLAWED education system..

2009-01-27T21:57:00.001+05:30

I just want to ask a question to this education system, sorry, to the one who believe in this system and use all their energies to make students follow that system. My question is - how many engineers coming out of the college are capable enough or at least interested in becoming a technocrat or scientist? I believe almost all are capable enough to become great reasoning minds. Then why so happened that students aren't interested in engineering subjects? The real situation is beyond thoughts. They waste an hour just to get an attendance. And eventually each of them(at least 4 lakhs an year) end up wasting 9 to 5 slot fully. Even teachers know that. The dean/director knows that teachers authority employed aren't capable enough to teach. Reality is that teachers just mug up subject contents and write it on board. An engineering subject, lets take the backbone of electronics, transistors. How many of the electronic engineers can explain the working and logic involved in working of different types of amplifiers or millions of circuits, they've studied in the engineering course. How many of us can even vaguely design a new circuit consisting of transistors, resistors and capacitors. Are we going to become something which would lead this country to compete with developed world. I'm very much afraid. We boast of human resource. Is this the human resource we are producing?
Engineering is a hyped course because jobs are easily available. And then we work like slaves.
I believe people are ready to work to unimaginable extents once they find it interesting. My solution to this problem of wastage of talent is:
1. If teachers are incompetent then don't make attendance compulsory. attendance won't help in any of the ways. It only kills time mercilessly. That time can be utilized in other activities of their own choice. Syllabus can be dictated in the beginning only. At least they 'll get something of the concept then.
2. I strongly believe that a teacher can help students in only one way and that is by clearing their doubts which they ask. What they teach and how much they teach can be done by students also by their own. And its the ground reality. And this is how they prepare for exams. And if the director is adamant enough on the issue of competence of the teachers then teachers should be asked only to clear the weird doubts of the subjects which one always gets when he begins anything new.